Scratching yourself

So you've got an itch. It's annoying, distracting, and only getting worse by the second. What could possibly save you from this eternal torment? Look to the dogs, they have the answer. Scratch that itch. You know you want to.

The easiest and most common way to scratch is with your own two hands. Place a fingertip gently over the afflicted area. Lightly move the finger back and forth over the itch zone, rotating the finger slightly to use the edge of your fingernail for scratching. You can vary the pressure and speed of the scratching to suit the particular itching. Larger itching zones may require multiple fingers. Once you have the hang of this, we can move on to more advanced scratching techniques.

One of the most common problems to novice scratchers is the inability to reach some locations on their bodies. Thankfully, cutting edge technology has delivered special tools unto us to assist in such difficult tasks. The basic wooden scratcher you see to the right is one of the simplest and most effective tools. Simply grip the bottom of the scratcher, and reach it around, over, and under any obstruction between you and your itch. If unavailable, or you require more flexibility with your scratching device, you can untwist a wire coathanger and use the end of the hook as a makeshift scratcher. Be warned that the end of the hangers tend to be rather sharp, and can cause scrapes and cuts.

Less portable, but still viable tools are doorframes, chair backs, or countertop edges. Anything with an edge on it can be adapted to cure your debilitating condition. Be creative.

Most forms of scratching are fine for public use. You may have observed many of your friends and family scratch themselves at one time or another. However, society frowns upon scratching particular body parts. The two most common problem areas are the buttocks and the genitals. However, these areas are likely to itch eventually, no matter how much you try to prevent it. Rather than risk an unpleasant social situation, some subtlety and guile can be used to stave off discomfort in group settings where attaining privacy is unworkable.

When your butt itches, simply backing yourself up to a scratching surface as discussed above can work, aided by subtle shifts in position. If being observed while scratching, make conversation with frequent hand movements and facial expressions to distract attention. If seated on a hard chair, simply shifting a bit could alleviate it for a time. If you have a wallet or some other item in a back pocket, you can use the retrieval of that item as an excuse to get your hand back there for a quick scratch.

For genital or general groin itching, it gets trickier. Front pockets work well here, if deep enough. Make very small movements scratching this way, or you might be accused of an even less socially acceptable practice. Crossing your legs can be effective in a seated position, or rubbing with your leg for a quick fix. Ideally, you should attempt to place yourself behind a solid object above waist level for any kind of thorough scratching.

If itching persists despite all scratching efforts, seek medical assistance. Medication and allergies often cause itching along with even less pleasant side effects, and is beyond the scope of this humble guide. But for minor itching problems, I hope this guide has helped, and opened your eyes to the vast wonders of the scratching world. Because there is nothing quite like that feeling of relief after a good scratch, is there?